What time is noon?

On the 2nd Thursday of each month we have a LLL (triple L) meeting which stands for Live Long and Like It - it is for the senior citizens of our area. They get together and play dominoes all morning, then have lunch followed by a program such as "How to not be taken advantage of by salesmen" or something like that. Well, you know old people, it doesn't really start until noon, but they get here at 9:00 am to get a good parking spot and play dominoes.

So anyway, this morning I get a phone call from one of the LLL ladies, here is how it went:

Me: "FBC, this is Kacole."

LLL Lady: "Uh, yes honey, what time does the program at noon start?"

Me: Is this a trick question? "What time does the meeting at noon start?"

LLL Lady: "Yes... today... what time does it start?"

Me: "Uh, it starts at noon. The noon meeting will start at noon today." As though we would start it at 1:00 pm or something...just to throw them all off.

LLL Lady: "Oh, okay. I wasn't sure if it started at 11:00 or not."

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I usually want to pull my hair out at the end of the day!

Oh, the things they will say...

One of the first things my sister warned me about (when I told her I was pregnant) was all the "useful" advice everyone would have for me including all of their morning sickness and labor stories. I could see that this may be a problem, especially since I work at a church and have so many "friends" to give me the advice (which translates to mean all the little old ladies that share too much info anyway).

So far the morning sickness stories haven't been too bad since most of them have come from people I know a little better. I have enjoyed hearing their funny memories of those exciting first several weeks of hurling and eating. But I was a little shocked the other day when someone said "at least now you look healthy."

I have been thinking about that statement today. Hmmmm....now I look healthy. Why is that? Is it that pale green look I have much of the day from nausea, maybe it makes me look more tan. Or is it the fact that my chest is beginning to pop out of my clothes, boob jobs always make you look healthier. Or is it the little pudge in my gut that popped up overnight and makes my pants too tight thus causing me to have to do the rubber band trick just so that I have something to wear. Maybe it is the fact that since I have such a hard time with nausea in the mornings I just don't care what my hair looks like and so I go through much of the day (okay, all day) all frizzy and stringy and pitiful looking (it matches the green skin pretty well I think!).

So I have come to the conclusion that either this person was coming up with the best comment that they could think of to make me feel good (in which case they failed miserably and should have just stuck with "Congrats" or something)...or they had no idea that I am all emotional and sensitive right now with all the hormones raging and that one little off-handed remark would have me in such deep contemplation for so long.

Well, at any rate, if you want to look healthy it seems that all you have to do is get pregnant! Good news, huh?

To Butch...

Okay, so I didn't get around to posting Christmas decoration pictures Friday...I am a terrible person! But now that our bazillion Christmas parties are over...I actually have time to do important things again (like blogging).

Anyway, I thought I would share this with you 2 or 3 readers out there. I got this Christmas card over the weekend (hand delivered) from a sweet church lady and this is what the envelope says:

Kara& cute husband (Butch, I think)

Ah-hem. My husband's name is not Butch...not even close! More like Randy. Sorry honey!

No Snow Day Here

Well, it got below 40 degrees yesterday...so we shut down the office! You gotta love Texas! It starts to get cold and people freak out about the possible ice! Now, in all fairness it was 32 and very wet outside...and the bridges did ice over. And, let's face it, I am not the least bit upset over leaving work 2 hours early (and still getting paid for it)!

But at 5:00 pm yesterday evening it was as dry as can be outside and the sun was shining away! No snow, no sleet...just cold! Bummer!

The Elderly

Let's just take a moment to talk about our education system...not for children...but for the elderly. In working at the church I have learned several things about how the elderly mind works and I really think that there should be several classes offered at the community center based on the following things:

1. Phone Etiquette 101
Class Description: When calling a business please do not skip to the middle of the conversation because you just assume the other person knows what the holy crap you are talking about!!!!!!! For example: nobody knows who you spoke to on the phone last week, or who "what's his name" is. When you start the conversation with " I just got the thing in the mail and it says that the check is from 2003 and I just want to know where it came from" ...you are really leaving a LOT of things up in the air...and DON'T get pissy when we try to decipher what you are thinking but not saying outloud!!!!

2. Voicemail is Your Friend
Class Description: When calling for a person (whose name you actually know by some miracle) and said person is unavailable, please leave a voicemail. Voicemail does not steal your soul; it is not some form of identity theft; it will not kill you (though the receptionist might if you do not leave one); and people actually DO check it.

3. How to Leave a Message on Voicemail
Class Description: When leaving a message on voicemail, simply state your name, number and a BRIEF description of your question/ concern. You do not have to ask all the questions on your list (that can wait until they call you back).

4. Have Patience
Class Description: When calling a business and asking for someone in particular, please do not blame the receptionist if they are already on the phone. This class is for you if you have had the following conversation:

Receptionist: FBC, how can I help you?

Old Person: I need to talk to ____.

R: She is on the phone right now. Would you like to leave a voicemail?

OP: No, I need to talk to her.

R: Ok, well she is on the phone. You can leave a message or call back later.

OP: NO, I need to talk to her. How much longer will she be on the phone?

R: Well, in order to know that I would have to have telepathic powers...and if I had telepathic powers I could shoot her a mind beam that said you were on the phone in the first place and we wouldn't be having this conversation...but since I wasn't given the power of telepathy...then I DON'T KNOW! Would you like to leave a freakin' voicemail?

(Ok, so just ignore the last part)

5. Driving
Class Description: Do you really need one?

So, let's pick up the slack in our education system...call your local government office and petition better education for our elderly...they aren't our future, but they could be the death of us.

Gone with the Wind

Today it is VERY windy outside...and this was the phone call I got earlier this morning at work...

Little Elderly Lady: "I, auhhh, just wanted you to auhhh know that the auhhh wind is gusting up to 45 miles an hour right now."

Me: "Oh really?" (Sighing to myself)

LEL: "Auhhhh, yes."

(long pause...because I thought this would be where she would get to the point)

Me: "It is pretty windy out there!"

LEL: "Well, auhhh don't stand under any trees becuase you know auhhh old what's his name that I was friends with auhhhh was standing under a tree when a auhhh branch broke off and landed on his head. Auhhh...killed him. Auhhhh yeah, so be careful out there."

Me: "Oh my goodness." (laughing to myself...not because the man died, but because this is why she called...to tell me this)

LEL: "Well, maybe I auhhh will see you tonight...if I make it out in this wind."

Oh to have nothing else to worry about but the wind.

(and in case you wanted to know...it was the boob lady)

Red and Yellow, Black and White...

After reading this post by my brother-in-law I was reminded of a post (read it, really) by the son of one of our ministers.

It really makes you think...how many people do we pass up every single day because they don't look, act or smell like what we think is acceptable.

I work at a downtown church and we have a "neighborhood" ministry. What does that mean? Well... here "neighborhood" has turned out to be code for "black". It means that we have some extra kids that come on Wednesday nights for dinner and either youth Bible study or children's choir - depending on their age. They come here from several of the surrounding apartment complexes. MOST of these kids are GREAT kids (some of them are real toots - but you would find that with any group of kids). They come from a very different culture ...even though they live right here among the rest of us. Most of them have single mothers, all of them are low income, many of them have emotional issues ...the list goes on and on.

But here we are... this big ...white ...wealthy church. And how do we treat these kids? Terribly!
There isn't acceptance here, they don't find love from most of the people they encounter while at church. This is what gives Christians a bad name or at least one of the things.

Just a few weeks ago I walked down the stairs to find one of our elderly members ripping into a "neighborhood" boy (who by the way was doing exactly what I had asked him to do). In a matter of 2 minutes of my hearing the conversation she accused him of stealing, accosted him for not having shoes on, and basically told him to leave and stop causing problems. It is so frustrating to me that this is the impression they get of church. All he did was stare at me with huge eyes and promise me that he wasn't doing anything... and I believe him... I would have believed him anyway, but just to prove it - we have a camera system and I was watching him sitting peacefully on the bench waiting... playing with his toys... just as I asked him to do.

Now don't get me wrong, we aren't going to put up with any crap. The rules apply to everyone - regardless of color. But only a few of us really care about what happens to these kids... only a few of us are willing to deal with the crap for now in hopes of making a change in the long run. For everyone else it is just too uncomfortable... too foreign... too difficult. They would rather turn them away so that they don't have to deal with something ookie like unchurched kids.

How do you teach a church to love those who aren't "like" them? How do you work through prejudices to find the love? How do you teach the un-churched about the love of God when they don't even see it within the church walls?

I think we could all take a lesson from the Amish on how to love...

Would you want to know...

We have this little elderly lady that comes into the church office QUITE A BIT. She LOVES TO TALK quite a bit as well. So, usually when we see her coming - everyone makes a mad dash for the other room.

Now, I know what you're thinking...not very Christ-like...or loving. But, I really feel like Jesus would do the same thing if He were walking the earth. I can just see Him saying "Oh, look...this guy needs to be healed. Now, you just remember where you left off - telling me about your bowel movement - and we can finish this conversation later. Or, better yet, could you just tell God this..just pray to Him...then we don't have to worry about this conversation on bowel movements."

I digress.

So, here is the thing about this lady...other than the incessant talking. I guess that several years ago she had a mastectomy [now, I don't think this is funny - really...I am not heartless after all]. But it seems that a prosthetic booby was not so important to her in her advanced age. So I don't know what she uses - but it is not as...hmmm... heavy...as the real thing.

So, I noticed one day that she was WAY off balance in the booby department. I mean we are talking a good SIX inches difference here...in length! And I thought, oh no, one has gotten away from her and she doesn't even know it. Should I say something about the blatant un-evenness? This has to be embarrassing!

But I thought about it and I decided I didn't want to embarrass her or, heaven forbid, start an un-wanted conversation about elderly boobies - so I left it alone. But now, I have noticed that it is a permanent fixture. They are ALWAYS un-even...really, REALLY un-even.

To use my husband's phrase... it's like a train wreck...I just can't look away...I can't help but notice it. And it just looks so terrible. I mean, the vast expanse of the length of the real one - compared to the fakie - is really shocking.

So, now I just think - surely she knows that they don't match. I mean, you know, one is like Barbie Booby and the other looks...well...like a Maxine booby. So, I have come to the conclusion that she just must not care one bit about the matching booby pair. I guess getting old has its perks...I mean...if you are comfortable enough to walk down the street with one booby standing at attention and the other one taking a nap on your belt...then more power to you!

Do you like my nails?

I work at a church, and let me tell you - it can be really entertaining at times. We have two little elderly ladies that re-stock the pens and envelopes in the Sanctuary every week. And every week when they are finished they bring us whatever they found lying on the pews. Most of the time it is money or crayons and occasionally it is something more important like glasses or jewelry. So I gladly take them and put them in the lost-and-found or the trash or in with the offering (depending on what it is). But one week I got quite a shock when they brought me fingernail clippings. That's right...I said FINGER-NAIL-CLIPPINGS. Now what possessed them to gather each one of those little nails up and carry them in their sweet little hands all the way to the office is beyond me (or - more importantly - who decides to clip their nails in CHURCH)! But there they were - being held out to me like some sort of offering. This time I just handed them the trash can and tried really hard not to say anything rude.

Guess the sermon really made an impact that Sunday!