Isn't it funny how life just seems to fly by? One moment you are 900 months pregnant and miserable, the next moment you have a ONE year old. One minute you're biggest concern is what you are going to wear to work the next day, then the next you find yourself worried about whether you will raise healthy and successful kids.
Many of my friends have been having "kid" drama lately. The first year of school, the last year of school, potty training, life training. Some of them just want a break, some can't wait for them to grow up and move out, others fear the empty nest.
The other day I was at the grocery store with the boy (a much dreaded task... for both of us). As I was examining cartons of eggs I noticed a little old lady flirting with my boy. I did the usual of making eye contact and smiling... then telling the boy to say hi (which he doesn't really do, I guess it just makes me feel better to say it). Then I casually went back to my egg picking task, but the little old lady didn't walk away... she lingered. So again I made eye contact and again I smiled... and started to pay more attention to the situation. The little old lady stated that my boy was beautiful but that he must not like her because he was not smiling. Not wanting to take the time to explain that he seems to just be more of a people watcher and not a smiler and that he was just studying her and that if she hung around for about 10 minutes he would be hamming it up like a pro... I simply said "oh no, he likes you... he is just very serious." She just smiled.
By this time I had made my egg selection and was starting to move on when she stopped me again. She said, "Maybe he doesn't like my hat." I just smiled and shrugged and continued to head to my next task. Then she continued with "I never had any children. It is times like these that I really regret not doing so. I think I would have really enjoyed them."
I just stopped and smiled at her, not sure what to say. She smiled weakly then continued on with her shopping. And as I thought about our little encounter I started to realize that this must have really been something weighing on this poor woman's heart. Here she was in the middle of the dairy aisle sharing this heartbreaking information with a total stranger. I have wondered since if it was because she was lonely in this late season of her life. I wonder if she has been thinking about what kind of life she has led and what she would do differently.
But I also realized that there are days when I think "Oh Lord, what was I thinking wanting to be a parent?" There are going to be times when I want to throttle this little boy of mine, times when he will defy me, hate me, lie to me... break my heart. But in the end won't it be worth it? I hope so, but I think deep down I know it will. It was a good reminder to enjoy this time... this stage of his life, this moment, this age. It won't be easy to raise him... it is an incredible responsibility... an enormous task... but I think I am up to the challenge... I think.
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2 comments:
Somedays you think you are up for it, somedays you know you aren't. Our wise sister-in-law has taught me to pray everyday, asking Him to provide just what I need for that day. Not stressing over what may (or will) happen down the road, but trusting Him just for that day.
A couple I know is unable to conceive a baby. Last year when Mason died, the wife of that couple said she'd rather never have a child than have one and lose him. I disagree, and I can't help but think the grocery store lady would also disagree.
I'd rather experience the amazing transformation that comes with motherhood and love him for a very short time, than never feel that intense love & sense of purpose at all.
A precious older lady in my church always listens to my fussing about the boys, the stress of life with little ones and then gently reminds me how she wishes she still had socks to pick up off the floor! I found myself just the other day stressing about parenting. Then had a conversation with Kregg. He'd just finished reading an article about parents whose children choose to live w/ the other parent.
Wow. We are so blessed.
I would agree with you that I would rather be able to experience the joy of being a mom. I can't even begin to fathom for an instant what it might be like to lose a child and I find it too difficult to even try to think about. But I have never known the feeling of unending love, pride and joy that this little boy brings to my life. It isn't a feeling that you can replicate with any other experience.
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